Here's a shocker: Summer is done. If your lawn mower isn't in the shed by now you might not see it again until the spring, when the snow melts. It's getting nippy out there, and there are things to consider. Challenges to be faced. Stuff to do. Lucky for you I have no time for exhaustive lists, but over the years an old guy like me falls into too many holes not to have useful advice for wet-behind-the-ears, booger-eatin' kids like you, so sit down and pay attention. I'm going to save your bacon.
The Dog
Do not walk the dog until April. It's wet out there, and cold, maybe even snowy. Your dog has fur, and you probably don't. At this time of year you need nothing more than a long rope and a slow car, and not much imagination to figure out how this should unfold. If you must get exercise, or you can't get past some zen-induced notion about bonding with your animal, drive onto the highway. Drive slowly as though there's a flimmer in your drive shaft, to avoid damaging the dog. There is no excuse for cruelty. Then park under the nearest overpass and do your bonding there, so you're not out in the weather. Bonus: no poop pickup is required here, because the only other people that will be walking in a place like this are dogbonders like you, and they have already developed the same steamer avoidance skills that you have.
The Neighbourhood Kids
Hallowe'en brings out the worst in people. Your next door neighbours might be the very picture of friendly, considerate parenthood all year, but for some reason the end of October is their cue to teach their kids to trespass, beg, deface their bodies and eat whatever fluorescent non-food guano they are able to cadge from strangers. You should not be amused. This is antisocial behaviour, and your equally antisocial response will be rewarded in both this life and the next. Turn out all your lights. Pour engine oil on your walk. Kids and parents will be prepared for bad weather, but not for this. Bonus: if your dog is sufficiently constipated by his new exercising / voiding routine, he should be cranky enought to make things interesting for those especially persistent little commandos who manage to make it to your door.
Shopping
The final several weeks of the year can be a painful time for your wallet. As Christmas approaches, your loved ones are less willing to accept merely verbal claims of love and affection, and instead are inclined to expect more material evidence of your devotion. This is due to poor planning by your parents and grandparents, who foolishly created an atmosphere of greed and expectation in their offspring, and now those corrosive qualities are manifesting themselves in your own children. You have a duty to break this pernicious trend. To this end, fabrications about lost jobs, dwindling resources and impending homelessness are completely justifiable under the circumstances. Bonus: it's not often that we are blessed with an economic downturn to match the one that faces us today. Embrace it. Use the truth as a weapon. Genuine news releases bemoaning bankruptcies and cutbacks can replace counterfeit news until things turn around, and these may be all that are needed to quell the greed storm that's headed your way.
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