Uncle Kevin died last week. We weren't especially close, but he trusted me more than he trusted his own kids, and that's why he asked me to be the Executor of his estate. His Will is pretty straightforward, except for Article Nine. Here's what it says:

"In the event that my spouse predeceases me as provided in Article Six, and any of my children are minors under twenty-one years of age, then I direct that my Executor shall transfer, assign and deliver over to my Trustee, named in Article Two, such minor Beneficiary’s share of my estate and the objects of property described herein. I direct my Trustee to hold said Beneficiaries share of my estate on the following terms and conditions:

"A: The small Chihuahua canine pet known as Cricket, who became the unsolicited companion of my spouse in the month of June in the year 2003, shall be removed from the residue of my estate; and

"B: The small Chihuahua canine pet known as Cricket shall be placed in a blender, which shall be turned on until such time as the whirling blades cause his or her shrill, incessant barking to cease in its entirety; and his or her bottom row of razor-sharp teeth which are on constant display due to the dental deformity commonly known as underbite to be torn from the bone of his or her mandible; and his or her vicious little eyes to be shredded to such a degree that they are no longer capable of conveying the hatred and disdain that have come to define the character of this most spiteful of beasts; and

"C: The residue of the small Chihuahua canine pet known as Cricket shall be placed, to as great a degree as the Executor can physically manage, in a large turkey baster; and

"D: The residue of the small Chihuahua canine pet known as Cricket shall be pumped up the fundament of one Gilbert Funk, who is known to me as the brother of my deceased spouse, and who is also known to me as the braindamaged moron who gave the vile Chihuahua canine pet known as Cricket to my spouse as a birthday present without consultation, said residue to be rammed up his intestinal tract as far as the Trustee can physically manage, until the aforesaid Gilbert Funk's eyes water and he begs for mercy, thus demonstrating that he has been fully rewarded for his thoughtfulness."

I have never met Gilbert Funk, and I can't say I'm looking forward to explaining Uncle Kevin's gift to him. Any suggestions on how you think the conversation should go will be very welcome.

Bequeathed by Cooper Green