Dear Mr. Adams

Mr. Charles Adams, President
Adams Peanut Butter

Dear Mr. Adams:

On the recommendation of a trusted friend, I recently purchased a jar of your peanut butter from my local Safeway store. I was told that it was made of natural ingredients, and that it contained no preservatives. The listing of nutritional content on the label appears to bear this out.

This was quite an important decision for me, Mr. Adams, because I am not a wealthy person. I’m quite poor, in fact, having been unable to secure steady employment for the past three years. At the same time, however, I am interested in obtaining only the most healthful food products for my family and myself, and your brand of peanut butter costs considerably more than the Safeway house brand that I usually purchase. I am accustomed to paying $3.27 for a large jar of peanut butter, and yours is priced at $4.88.

In light of my financial position, I struggled for several days with the decision to commit to such a significant monetary outlay. In fact, I had gone so far as to advise my small, and severely disabled son Timmy (he has thing on his toe that is completely gross, trust me) of my decision to invest in the house brand, when his pleas of “no, Mommy, no. Don’t punish me like this, Mommy” caused me to reconsider. I bought the Adams brand peanut butter, and advised Timmy that his breakfast of gruel and stale toast would be slightly smaller each morning, until we had recovered the extra $1.61 it took to secure this purchase.

This letter, Mr. Adams, is to advise you of my extreme disappointment with my purchase. The taste is bland, the texture is grainy, and there is an oily presence that cannot be healthful. My Timmy will no longer eat his sandwiches. Instead, he cries “Mommy, why do you hate me?” As his useless toe drags behind him, it appears to be leaving marks on the carpet.

In light of your failure to meet my expectations, Mr. Adams, and because I now have an unusable jar of peanut butter, not to mention that I have been thrown into unrecoverable debt, it is my feeling that some compensation from your company is owed to me and my family. I feel that a full pallette of 1,440 large jars of Adams Peanut Butter delivered COD to my household may be adequate to ease the pain my Timmy and I have suffered.

In fact, here's an idea. Send me the cash equivalent of $7,027.20 (1,440 x $4.88), and I will purchase them myself. Then you save the shipping charges. Please confirm your compliance by return e-mail.

Yours truly,
Gilbertina Spandex

Pre-digested by Cooper Green